The Absent Father
by Riley.Quinn5
Summary: When Erin Lindsay left Chicago 16 years ago, she never thought she would end up with a baby. Jay's baby. But he moved on. Didn't he? When Juliana Halstead-Lindsay goes looking for her father, what she finds may be more than she bargained for. But will it change her life for better or for worse? And what about Jay? Erin? How will they react?
1. Chapter 1

**Chicago, Illinois**

**July 2, 2034**

He woke with a start. He always did. The nightmares didn't go away. Especially not since Sophie. She had been perfect. The love of his life. At least he thought. At first, he didn't know how to move on. When she left. Erin. His heart had been broken. He down spiraled, and his friends did everything they could. But they gave up after about a year of false hope. That he would bounce back. He went to work every day, went home and drank himself into oblivion. That was how it went for him. And it worked. He was as happy as he could be considering the circumstances. Then it all changed. He still remembered that day vividly in his head. When he got that letter. The one that changed his life forever.

**Chicago, Illinois**

**May 29, 2018**

His hands wouldn't stop shaking. It couldn't be. He can't go back. It would destroy him. He slowly opened it, and read with blurring vision:

_Master Sergeant Jay Halstead,_

_You have been called back to the Rangers for active duty. Please report to base in Washington D.C. at 06:00 on June 1, 2018. The country thanks you for your service._

_Captain Clay Rickards_

Before he knew what he was doing, he was staring at her name. _Erin Lindsay._ As her voice filled the room through the phone, he quickly hung up. She had sounded almost… happy. Of course she was happy. She got away. She probably moved on. With that thought, he rushed to the district and into Hank's office. The words came pouring out. As Hank told him calmly to explain, he realized that his words had been a slurred jumble. He was on the verge of being drunk. The words came stumbling out, and before he knew it, he was sobbing, and Hank had his arms around him. He said that he would make the arrangements. That he should go home. Take off work. That he would have a job when he got back. That they shouldn't tell the team. Keep it a secret. He agreed. He doubted they would care anyway. He had shut everyone out a long time ago. He explained that it was a 12 month tour, so it would be a while. Hank said that was okay, Burgess can replace him temporarily. Then Hank drove him home. He passed out. When he woke up, he saw his bags packed. Hank was in his kitchen, sipping a coffee. They sat in silence for the next few hours, until Hank announced he was going to work. He almost joined him, until he realized the date. May 31. He was leaving today. That wasn't possible. He was passed out drunk for 2 days straight? Suddenly he heard Hank tell him he would be back to see him off. Then he went to bed. He was in shock. This wasn't supposed to happen. He had been taken off active duty. After that tour. The one where he and Mouse nearly died. They promised he wouldn't have to go back. But here he was. Going back. And he wasn't ready.

**Manhattan, New York**

**July 2, 2034**

"Mom!" Juliana yelled up the stairs.

As Erin ran down the stairs, late for work, she saw her 16-year old daughter, Juliana, still at home.

"What are you doing home?" Erin asked.

"I found it. That picture you keep in your wallet. It's Dad, isn't it. Why do you have a picture of him in your wallet. He broke your heart, Mom!" Juliana exclaimed.

"Annie, mind your tone. Your father didn't do anything wrong. I don't know how many times I have to tell you that for you to believe it," Erin snapped, reminded of Jay for the first time in years. She never told him. About Juliana. She couldn't bring herself to. She knew he would want to be a part of her life. But she left. She broke his heart. And she also couldn't bring herself to ever tell her daughter that. And that was what killed her. Every day. Jay was the love of her life. He always had been. She never found anybody else. But Juliana took that and interpreted that the reason Erin never talked about him was because he had broken her heart. And she never wanted her to think that.

"Mom. I'm sorry. It's just, you never talk about him. What am I supposed to believe? I know one thing about him. His last name. That's all I have of him. And you expect me to believe that you never think about him. I am clearly a reminder of him. I look almost nothing like you except the hair. I have blue eyes. You have brown. I have freckles. You have none. That photo? He has blue eyes and freckles, mom. What happened?" Juliana asked, pleading with her mother.

"Please, leave it alone. You need to get to school. I'll drive you, you can get a late pass," said Erin, dropping the conversation.

"No. I'm not going to school until you tell me something, anything. What happened with you two? Why did you end up here? Does he even know I exist? Or did you neglect to tell him about me?" Juliana spit rapid fire at Erin, demanding to know the answers.

"Annie! Stop! Okay. Look, you know I'm a cop. Well so is your father. As far as I know, he still is. I haven't talked to him since I left. And I intend to keep it that way. Okay, I broke his heart. I didn't even say goodbye. I can't just show up and pretend everything is good. I can't do that to him. He's moved on. I still talk to my old boss. He's my father, basically. He tells me how he's doing sometimes. Usually he doesn't give me an answer. He's moved on. I need to let him live his life. He deserves at least that after everything he went through in his life," Erin explained quickly, trying to get through without breaking down in front of her daughter. She needed to stay strong.

"Okay, but I don't get it. You loved each other, right? So why'd you leave?" Juliana pressed, wanting more answers.

Hesitantly, Erin replied, "It was a case we were working. It involved children. Those cases tended to get to me. They got to him too, though. We grew farther apart than ever. His wife came looking for him. It's a long story, but apparently, they served together, got married on a whim, and before he knew it, he was signing divorce papers, which she didn't turn in, let alone sign. He moved out, he said he didn't want me to deal with her shit. So we worked together, and that was it. But that wasn't good enough for me. I was angry. We had a suspect. I nearly killed him trying to find a missing boy. He gave it up. But Jay found him in the trunk of a car, dead. That nearly destroyed Jay. Alvin said he pounded on that kid's chest for what felt like forever. He wouldn't give up. They had to drag him away from that kid. Then, I was under investigation. And he showed up at the apartment, on the verge of tears. And I pushed him away. That moment stayed with me forever. Before I knew it, I was in New York, working for the FBI and I had a baby growing in my stomach. His baby. I never forgave myself, Annie. I swear," Erin explained, letting a few tears fall near the end.

"How could you? How could you do that?" Juliana asked, almost crying as well.

"I know. It's horrible. But I didn't know what I was doing. I swear. I acted on impulse. Please, Juliana, you need to understand. I would have lost my job, my apartment. Him. I did what I thought was right. Please," Erin pleaded with her daughter.

"You know what, I'll find my own way to school. Have fun at work, mom," Juliana said with attitude.

"Annie, please. Just, wait. You can stay home today. I'll do anything to make this right. Please," Erin tried one last time.

"No, it's okay, mom. I think I'm good. School will give me a few hours to think about it," she answered. She left. She didn't understand. As she got on her bike, she thought about that picture. How she found it. Her mom asked her to grab a twenty from her wallet. And instead she had grabbed a small picture of a good-looking guy who was smiling with his arm wrapped around her mother's shoulders. And her mom. She looked beautiful. She was wearing makeup. She barely does that anymore. And she was smiling. She looked happy. Genuinely happy. She had never seen her mother smile that way in the 16 years she has known her. With love, sure, but with pure adoration and happiness and nothing else. Never. She was staring into her father's eyes. He looked just as happy. He had big blue-green eyes that almost exactly matched hers. He had freckles running over his nose like she had. He had a big bright smile that could light up any room, just like she had. But all she could think about was that picture. They looked so in love it hurt. How had they split up? Now that her mom was forthcoming, she understood. That was the only picture she had ever seen of her father. But her mom said he moved on. He found someone else. In that one picture, though, you would never think he could move on. She thought again. 15 years. One picture. She had nothing. She needed to know. Her mother wouldn't help her. So just like her mother had, she acted on instinct. She bought a plane ticket to Chicago, and before she knew it, she was on a plane headed straight there.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chicago, Illinois**

**July 2, 2034**

Jay finally got up when he heard the cries of his son. He had gotten lost in his thoughts again. Thoughts of the war, Sophie, his kids. He still remembered the day he lost her. His beloved wife. The sandy deserts of Afghanistan. The blood pooling around his hands. Her pale lips. Their last kiss. Her last words. That he should leave her. Save himself. He refused. The next moment she was gone. Forever. He tried to get her back to base. He took three bullets in the process, but he didn't care. He couldn't leave her. Not there. Not in the middle of the godforsaken desert. She deserved a proper burial. She deserved more than that. They had to drag him away from her dead body. He was screaming. Then it all went black, and he woke up in the infirmary a week later. They told him that one of the bullets hit an artery. He lost too much blood. The next thing he knew, he was back home. Telling his four young children that their mother was gone. She wasn't coming home.

Then he was jolted back to reality again by the yells of his 7-year old daughter, Lily.

"Daddy! Lincoln's crying!" She yelled at him.

"Okay," he grunted, rolling out of bed.

As he trudged into his youngest son, Lincoln's, bedroom, he noticed that Lily was already cradling the 2-year old to her chest. The sight warmed his heart.

"Hey, sweetie. I see you beat me to it this morning," Jay said, chuckling.

"You were taking too long, Daddy," she exclaimed with her best grown-up impression she could muster.

Jay was laughing as he took Lincoln into his arms and led Lily back into the kitchen of their apartment to start breakfast.

"Daddy!" screamed his 4-year old son, Dean. "Daddy, look what I made!" he yelled again. He joined Dean at the table and swirled him around while he complimented him on his drawing.

"Lily, where's your brother?" Jay asked as he poured the pancake batter on the stove.

"Sleeping. It's still summer, silly," Lily answered, distracted by the newly forming pancakes that were making her mouth water.

"Right. Sorry about that. I guess I'm a little distracted," Jay said, teasing her. Right at that moment, Grayson came running out of his room and jumped onto Jay's back, laughing.

"Hey, Dad! Guess what! It's Friday!" Gray exclaimed, laughing with joy.

"Yeah it is!" Jay answered, placing a pancake on each one of his kid's plates.

"You're picking us up from camp right? Camp ends at 3:oo, Daddy," Lily reminded him.

"Yes I am, pumpkin, wouldn't forget. Now everybody needs to go get ready or the boogie monster is going to get them!" Jay yelled as all the kids ran to their rooms screaming and laughing. Jay then picked up Lincoln from his highchair and got him ready for the day before getting himself ready. As they all piled into Jay's truck, he grabbed his badge and gun and strapped Lincoln into his car seat before driving away to the local elementary school.

**Chicago, Illinois, O'Hare Airport**

**July 2, 2034**

When Juliana got in line at the rental car pick up, she checked her phone. No missed calls from her mom. Of course not. She's supposed to be at school. She's probably giving her some space. Although, when her mom finds out she's gone, she will not be happy to say the least.

Getting in her car, she figures the easiest way to find him would be to go to the police districts in Chicago. Which will take forever. She starts at the 31st District, where they tell her, unsurprisingly, that they are not obligated to release that information. She leaves, feeling frustrated, and she realizes that there is almost no chance any cop in the city will rat out one of their own. Plus, she's only assuming his name is Jay. That's what her mom told her. It could be short for anything. Jason, Jackson, Jordan, Jeffrey, Jaden. This was hopeless. She decided to try the station they sent her to. The 21st.

**Chicago, Illinois, 21****st**** District**

**July 2, 2034**

Jay walked into the district, running late as always. On his way up the stairs, however, he saw Trudy waving him over frantically. He was going to ignore her. She usually does this, reprimands him for being late. He hasn't told anyone yet. About Soph. That she's dead. He just got back from their last tour together 2 months ago. He still hasn't let anyone back in. They know he has kids. They know he was married. But he didn't want their pitying looks and repetitive apologies. He just wanted his wife back. But he couldn't have that. So he decided that he wouldn't tell anyone, and he wouldn't receive either. Except Mouse, obviously. And Hank. He told him right when he got back. They were close. Closer than ever. Ever since Erin left. He was there for Jay when nobody else was. He stayed at his apartment late at night when the nightmares grew more intense, more frequent. And he was there for him when his PTSD was so heightened that anything would send him straight back to that desert. Anything as simple as a car alarm. And he was just about to think about how ironic that was when be ran straight into a teenage girl. He had been glaring at Trudy, not paying attention to his surroundings.

"Aw, shit, I'm sorry," he provided a quick apology before running up the stairs and buzzing himself up.

Juliana just stood there in shock. She opened her mouth but no words came out. She couldn't believe it. That was him. Suddenly he came running back down the stairs and ran straight to the front desk, and the desk sergeant became frantic as well, assigning all the patrolmen to different areas in the city. Jay stood up on the desk and got everyone's attention.

"Everyone! Listen up! A bomb threat has been called in. The Riverwalk. Crowded with people. Sergeant Platt will give you an area to patrol, you patrol it. Something weird comes up, you report it. I will be leading the bomb squad along with Mouse, who most of you may know. So get your assignment, and get to work. Now!" he announced.

When he jumped down from the desk, she was finally knocked out of her stupor by an officer rushing to the desk. She quickly rushed forward, grabbing his arm, and when he turned to face her, she saw a flash of recognition in his eyes before it was replaced with the seriousness she saw before.

"Do you need something?" He asked.

"Oh, um, sorry, I just was wondering if I could talk to you for a minute," she stuttered out, trying to find the right words.

"I'm a little busy right now, if it could wait—"

"—I'm your daughter," Juliana blurted out, not thinking.

She saw a mixture of emotions run through his eyes. The first was confusion. Then anger. Sadness. Pain. And lastly, realization.

"That, uh, that. What?" He asked, hoping he heard her wrong.

"I'm your daughter," she repeated a little hesitantly.

"No, no, that's not possible. You're what, 19?" He asked with hope in his eyes.

"16," she answered. Then she saw it. The smallest flash of regret. Then it was gone. Replaced by the thick wall he had probably put up a long time ago. Probably when her mom left him. Maybe even before. She knew nothing about him, and here she was, confessing to being his daughter. She realized how unfair that was. Her mom was probably right. He had moved on. He had a life. And she just trudged up everything from the past that he had most likely hidden away and never wanted to see again. She felt like a horrible person. Then she realized she was being dragged into an office. He shut the door and turned to face her.

"How?" He asked.

"Erin's my mom," she said, like that would explain everything. He immediately took a step back at the mention of her mom's name.

"Erin?" He repeated. "Erin's your mom?"

"Yeah," she said.

"Does she know you're here?" He asked, and she laughed a little at that.

"God, no. There will be hell to pay when she does find out though," she answered.

"And that hell will be paid soon, when I call her and tell her I found her daughter," he responded, already pulling out his phone to call her.

"No!" she yelled, a little too loudly, grabbing his phone from his hands. He raised an eyebrow at that, taken aback by her little outburst.

"It's just, ugh, I don't know. You can't call her. Please," she begged him.

"I can and I will, unless you give me one good reason why I shouldn't," he said with a smirk. She gave a big smile.

"I just really wanted to see the beautiful city where my mom grew up, you know. It's all such a mystery to me," she said with a glint of mischief in her eyes.

"Okay, well, that's good enough for me, now if I could have my phone back, Miss," he said, smiling.

She handed it over, and just as she was about to say something else, someone yelled a name she was very familiar with.

"Hey, Halstead! Get your ass over here and get working! Voight's not in a good mood and I'm not having you make it any worse," someone yelled.

"I'm sorry, I have to go," Jay apologized quickly. "There's a bomb threat over at the Riverside, I need to go head the bomb squad."

At the look of disappointment on her face, he got out a pen and a piece of paper and told her to write down her phone number, that he'd call her. When she did and the look didn't go away, he wrote down his address and phone number on another paper and told her to wait for him there. She smiled and nodded as he patted her shoulder, gave a small smile, and ran off to get back to work. But she wasn't fooled. She had seen that look a million times in the mirror. He was hurting. He was slipping. But the most she could do was go to that apartment, and wait for him to come home later. Hope he would want to talk. And pray that he didn't call her mom. Because that would be the end of her.

**Jay's POV**

Running out of that office felt like a huge breath of fresh air. Those words coming out of her mouth made him freeze and look her over once again. She looked right at him and he saw it. She had his eyes and freckles, but Erin's nose. Erin's mouth and hair, and Erin's confidence about her. She stood tall and proud. He never had that trait, the one that he always admired about Erin. He grew up with a rough childhood, sick but loving mother, abusive father, absent brother. He took care of himself. He never told anyone, obviously, but it was rough. And that put him off. He could never carry himself with the full and unwavering confidence Erin always had. But this girl standing in front of him was clearly Erin's daughter. Without thinking, he dragged her into the office and demanded how she was his daughter. He already knew the answer, but the things he did when Erin left gave room for a number of possible things, including this. He just hoped it wasn't true. It couldn't be true. So he joked around a bit, lightened the mood as best he could. Tried to cut the tension. And it worked for the most part. Then Ruzek called him and he saw a much needed escape. So he was about to leave when he saw the look of disappointment on her face. He quickly jotted down his name, number, and address, telling her to go there and wait for him, that he wouldn't be long. Then he flashed a quick smile and ran to get ready for the bomb case.

Mouse noticed his disposition immediately. His shoulders were even more hunched than usual, and he had this far away look that he usually got in one of his episodes.

"Hey, man, what's up? You look like you've seen a ghost," Mouse questioned, laughing slightly.

Jay turned quickly and looked at his best friend. Mouse had joined back into the Rangers with him, and when he got back, he went through the academy. He became a cop also and before they knew it, he was replacing Alvin. His death hurt all of them, deeply, but Mouse refreshed that position and he definitely filled his shoes well.

"I'm good, man. Some girl just came up to me and said she was my daughter. Mine and Erin's," he explained in shock.

"Holy shit!" Mouse exclaimed before he could stop himself.

"Yeah. I gave her my address. Told her to wait. I'll get Voight to let me off early. Pick up the kids then we can talk a bit. As long as she doesn't freak out and split. I would if I was her," Jay said.

"Well, I'm coming with. I'll play with the kids while you work things out," Mouse said, placing a hand on his shoulder in comfort.

"Thanks, Greg. I really appreciate it," Jay said, providing his friend with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes, before walking away to the van.

**Juliana's POV**

As Jay ran away, the first thing she could think about was what have I done. She just ambushed him and blurted out that she was his daughter. She could have done it way more subtly. But now it was out there. And it hadn't gone as bad as she had expected. He let her off easy and even gave her his address to wait for him.

As she pulled up to the apartment building, she got out and rang the buzzer just in case he did in fact have a girl at home. When no one answered, she went up and used the key he dropped on the table. Inside, she was surprised to see it completely clean. She started to look around a bit, and when she got to the pictures, she froze. It was him, of course, but he was with a woman. A blond woman. Then another picture showed him with a bunch of young children. She almost left. But she didn't. She had to get answers. About him. Who those people were. About her mom. So she stayed. And she waited on his couch, deciding to watch TV until he returned. That's how she fell asleep. On the couch of a father she never knew, waiting for him to return to explain his whole life to a girl he didn't know existed until a couple of hours ago.


	3. Chapter 3

**Jay's POV**

The case was easy. Just a bunch of pipe bombs placed in random areas around the Riverwalk. Him and Mouse got to all of them in time. They had disarmed them with practiced ease. They were nothing compared to the IED's over in Afghanistan. But that didn't matter any more. They were disarmed, nobody got hurt, it was a win-win.

Now he sat in his truck, staring at the clock. It was 2:45. He had to pick up his kids from their camp in fifteen minutes. Then Lincoln at daycare. Then his daughter waiting in his apartment. His fucking daughter! His 16-year old that wasn't a thing to him before today. He wanted to hate her. To yell at her and take out all of his frustration at her. He wanted to scream that he should've died overseas. Not Sophie. She didn't deserve to die. But he knew that nothing that had happened to him was her fault. It was Erin's. Not all of it, of course. But she left him, with nothing but bitter memories that can't fix anything. Oh, and of course the fact that she neglected to tell him that they had a daughter together. But no big deal. He couldn't bring himself to hate this girl, though. So he put the car in drive and made his way to the school and daycare center.

Once his four children were buckled in and ready to go, he drove towards his apartment where he knew held hundreds of questions he wasn't ready to answer. He couldn't prolong the inevitable forever, though, so he parked and carried his two youngest up the stairs with his 7-year old twins chasing him and running around him. He finally put the key in the lock, and the door opened to reveal nobody inside. He sighed. He knew it was a possibility. But she came here looking for him. And she knew where to find him.

When Mouse finally arrived, with Hank in tow, he led them to Lily and Grayson, who were busy entertaining Dean, and left them that way, going back to the kitchen, ready to pass out on the couch with a bottle of Bud Light. He just wanted to forget everything that happened in the last year. The seemingly never-ending tour, Sophie's dead body cradled in his arms, and his twins' heart-wrenching cries as they learned of their mother's death. Dean and Lincoln were still too young. They wouldn't understand yet. And just as he was about to flop onto the couch, he noticed the TV was already on, and he glanced at the couch to find the girl passed out on his couch.

He gently shook her awake, and when her eyes opened and she slowly sat up, he apologized for everything that had happened today. She said it was okay, and asked if they could talk for a bit. He agreed, and invited her over for dinner. She said sure. He plopped down next to her and told her to ask. The questions came pouring out of her mouth like a fountain.

"Who's that woman in the photo? Do you have children? Why were you wearing fatigues in one of the pictures? Are you military? What happened after Erin left? Is that why you joined the military?" She stopped after she saw the look of amusement on his face.

"What?" She asked shyly.

"You're exactly like her," he answered with a slight sadness to his tone.

"She told me what happened. Between you two," she explained.

"Yeah? What did she say?" He asked in slight defeat.

"She told me about your wife, the case, her leaving without a goodbye, basically everything," she told him.

"Yeah. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I swear I would have been, I just. I don't even know your name. I don't understand why Erin wouldn't at least tell me," he said with an agonizing look on his face.

"You have nothing to be sorry about. Oh, and I'm Juliana, by the way. But I don't blame you, it's not your fault. If anything, I should be the one who's sorry. I came to your work place out of nowhere and blurted out that I'm your daughter. That's not necessarily fair to you," Juliana said, laughing a little.

"Eh, that's fine. I don't blame you, either, you know. At first, though, I'll be honest, I wanted to hate you. Blame you for the problems in my life. But I can't. None of it's your fault," he said solemnly right as there was a knock at the door.

Jay went to go answer it and as he opened it, he froze. There she was. Erin Lindsay. Beautiful as ever. Standing at his door. But suddenly he felt rage build up in his chest and before he knew it, he was yelling.

"What the hell, Erin! Who the hell do you think you are?! Showing up at my doorstep after sixteen years like nothing happened? Go the hell away!" He shouted, hearing the footsteps of Hank and Mouse approaching. He looked back and saw them telling Juliana to stay on the couch.

"Can I at least come in, Jay? Please?" She asked. "I know she's here. I tracked her phone. I just want to know if she's okay."

"No, you want to know if I would hurt her. I'm stable, Erin. Have been for a while. How could you? You hid the fact that we have a daughter from me for 16 years and now you show up thinking I would lash out? Well, good thing, Erin, it took me a while, but I'm good. So why don't you go back to whatever job you're working in New York and leave me the hell alone," Jay said.

Before he could protest, however, she pushed past him and walked into his apartment.

"Erin! What the hell! Get out! Now!" Jay yelled at her, making Juliana flinch from her seat on the couch.

"No, Jay! I'm not going to leave. Okay, yeah! I was worried about you lashing out! But you can't blame me for being worried! None of this is my fault!" Erin yelled back, surprising Juliana even more.

"None of this is your fault?! Seriously?! There you go again, blaming everyone else! You kept our daughter, my daughter a secret for sixteen fucking years! You had no right! But go ahead, blame me. Blame Hank. Hell, blame Mouse! But you need to grow up. Take responsibility for your actions," Jay yelled.

He was completely out of breath. Then, suddenly, he felt lips on his. Erin's lips. He would recognize them anywhere. He tried to pull away, but he couldn't. He thought of Sophie, thought of disrespecting her, but he still couldn't pull away. So he kissed back. And it lasted. For more than a minute. When he finally got the courage to pull away, he stared at her and took her in. She was still perfect. She would always be perfect.

"Jay," she whispered. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, Erin. I know you are. But why didn't you tell me? I had every right to be a part of my daughter's life," he whispered back, their faces just inches apart.

"I wanted to, Jay. I wanted to so badly. But I couldn't. I was scared," she admitted.

"It's okay," he whispered again, before pulling her into a hug and he held her as she sobbed against him. He led her to the couch, still crying, and sat down and let her cry for a few minutes before he pulled her off and told her to explain. So she did. She got to New York and didn't have the courage to call him back. She thought if she heard his voice that she would come running straight back. And she wanted to be strong. She said that she figured that Jay would move on, and he would finally be able to be happy without all her issues. She apologized, over and over. He forgave her. Then she started asking questions about him. So did Juliana. He decided he could at least tell them how he's been.

"Okay. Sure, what do you want to know," Jay asked.

They both spoke up at once, "Are you married?" Erin and Juliana both blurted out at the exact same time, and Jay's face fell slightly, even though he chuckled softly at that.

"I was. I met her in Afghanistan. Korangal Valley. She was being held hostage by a group of insurgents. My team was sent in to rescue her. It was the reason I got the letter," he said, glancing over at Hank and Mouse as he said that.

"Okay, but what happened? I mean, clearly you fell for her," Erin asked.

"Me and Mouse were the first ones into the house. I ordered the rest of the team to stay back and wait for my order. We found her in the back room, tied to a chair. I quickly started to untie her, but before I could, four men came out of nowhere and knocked us both out. When I woke up, the men were gone and Sophie was almost out of her bonds. Sophie, my wife. She escaped and got us out of there. Basically, we were sent to rescue her and she ended up saving us. She never let me forget that," he said, laughing sadly.

"So what happened? You split up? You said you were married," Juliana asked, confused.

"No, we didn't split up. We went back for our fifth tour together, and it was going fine. With one month left in our tour, our whole camp was ambushed. We all got into the Humvees, tried to get away. The first two hit IED's so we had to abandon ours and take cover. Soon the only people left were Sophie and I, Mouse, and another guy, Terry. As they got closer, Sophie told me to get out of there, and she ran out into enemy lines. I ran after her, and by the time I got to her, she took 7 bullets. I dragged her back to cover, and tried to stop the bleeding, but it was too much. After she was gone, I picked her up and just ran through the enemy fire to get her back to base. I took a few bullets in the process and lost a lot of blood, but I wasn't going to leave her there. In that hellhole. She deserved better. So I got her back, and then I passed out from blood loss. Soon I went home, and I haven't gone back out there since. They want me for a recovery, but I don't know if I'm ready yet," he explained. When he talked about Sophie, he started sobbing and Erin put her arms around him and let him cry a bit before he continued. When he finished, Erin embraced him and held him as he cried. He hadn't talked about Sophie in months. Not to anybody. Not even his children.

"I'm sorry," he apologized, wiping his eyes.

"No, it's okay, Jay, you shouldn't of had to go through that alone. I just want you to know that I will be here for you. I know I wasn't before, but I am now," Erin said as she calmed him down.

Jay wiped the rest of his tears away and said, "Do you have any more questions? I'm pretty sure I won't be able to answer any more later, so I might as well get them over with now."

"Yeah, actually, if you're up for them. Why are Hank and Mouse here? I mean, I just found it kind of weird," Erin asked, and before Jay could answer, Juliana spoke up.

"Does it have to do with the pictures I saw? Of those kids?" She asked.

"Yes. Those are my kids. Hank and Mouse were going to watch them for me tonight. I've been having trouble ever since the case we had today, and they offered," he explained.

"How many?" Erin asked, a little jealous.

"Four," Jay answered, smiling a little at the thought of them.

Erin smiled back as she asked how old they were.

"Lily and Grayson are seven, Dean is four, and Lincoln is two," Jay answered.

"I bet they're adorable," Erin said just as Lily came running into the room.

"Daddy! Grayson's annoying me!" Lily yelled as she jumped onto her father's lap.

"Well, you are both supposed to be in bed, you two little troublemakers," he said as he started tickling her, and she giggled uncontrollably as she writhed around trying to escape his fingers.

Erin's heart melted as she watched Jay with his daughter. That could have been Juliana in his lap. She saw how good he was with her and realized that he was doing this all on his own. These were Sophie's children. He was dealt the worst hand in life anybody could get, and he is pushing through with everything he has for these children. Suddenly she found herself offering to help put them back to bed.

"Sure," Jay smiled as he introduced Lily to Erin.

"Hi, Erin! Can you come see my room?" Lily asked, begging her.

"Yes, I can! I bet it's beautiful!" Erin replied with a smile, as Jay led them to Lily's bedroom.

"Wow, this is an awesome room!" Erin exclaimed as they reached it.

"Thank you! Can you tuck me in!" Lily said in excitement as Jay laughed from the doorway.

"I definitely can!" Erin said, glancing back at Jay, who gave her a nod and a thumbs up, which she smiled back at, and he mentioned he was going to go calm Grayson down.

When they were all back in the living room, Erin smiled at Jay and told him how cute Lily was. He agreed.

"Do you have any more questions?" Jay asked as he sat back down next to Juliana, who had been talking to Hank about Erin and Jay.

"You went back. Why?" Erin stated bluntly.

"About a year after you left, I was in such a bad place, Erin. I drank till I passed out every night, I even started drugs. I couldn't move on. You broke my heart. Then I got that letter. The one asking me to come back for active duty. I had no choice. Then I met Sophie on that tour, and we went back for another together. I was the head of our new team. It consisted of me, Sophie, Mouse, and four other guys. I was mainly the sniper and medic, so I sent my guys in with me watching overhead. One our third tour back, as I was watching over them, one of the guys we were after came up behind me and knocked me out. They held me captive for about a month before my team found me again and I was hurt pretty badly so they let me go home early. I didn't go back right away after that. I stayed home with the kids for about a year while Soph went back for another tour, working in Intelligence. Hank kept my job every time I came back. Soon it was all I had. The war gave me something, woke me up and helped me move on. So I kept going back, until…" he stopped short, not wanting to talk about her death again.

"I'm sorry, Jay. Really, I am," Erin apologized again.

"It's okay, Erin. I tried to blame you, to hate you, but I never could. I've always loved you. Don't get me wrong, I loved Sophie with everything I had, but you were always the love of my life, Erin, that never changed," Jay said back.

Erin smiled at that. Juliana just watched them from the other side of the couch and smiled as well. She never got to meet her father. Now here he was. She always assumed that her mother and her father hated each other's guts. They proved her right when Erin showed up at Jay's door, and they fought, sure, but then when her mom kissed Jay, she nearly had a heart attack as her eyes almost flew out of their sockets. The kiss didn't last too long, but when they pulled away, I saw Jay's face. It was lined with guilt and regret, but he didn't seem to care. They shared a few words that she could barely make out, then they sat down with Erin sobbing into Jay, who just held her expertly and she realized that he had probably done that a million times before when they were still together back then. Maybe after a rough case, or an undercover. Maybe it was Erin's mom, who Erin refused to talk about even more than Jay. But they looked happy. Then he explained. And she suddenly felt horrible. Jay didn't deserve any of it. Then the question that quietly cam out of her mom chilled her to the bone, and a quick glance at the two men still standing against the wall, showed that they felt the same. Then she looked at Jay. His face was frozen. She didn't know what to say or do, so she just shrunk into the cushions and watched as he finished his beer in one gulp before he answered. But the question still echoed in her head as she thought about what her mom just said.

"Jay, I have one more question to ask, if that's alright with you," her mom started slowly.

"Sure, I guess, shoot," Jay answered with slight hesitation.

"When I was in New York, a few months after, after I left, a man showed up, saying he was your father. He was clearly drunk, and said you were going to pay for putting him away. That you deserved to suffer and die slowly. I told him to leave, that we were no longer together. And he did. I almost forgot it, but I couldn't get him out of my mind. What was he talking about?" Erin had asked. Jay went white when she said it was his father.

"My father? He showed up at your apartment?" Jay repeated, as if in shock.

"Yeah, but Jay, what did he mean?" Erin repeated, wanting answers.

"I put him in prison when I was 20. I had just finished my first tour. He came after me. I never told anyone this. Not even Will. I mean, Mouse knows, but, anyway. My dad beat me. He also raped me. When I was a kid. I was scared, especially after Will left. My mom was dying, and no one was there to stop him. It got worse and worse, so I enlisted. And when I got back, they put me on the stand. He had apparently raped three young boys and then beat them to death. I put him away. I never thought he would get out," he said, stuttering over his words.

"Oh my god," Erin gasped. She went and hugged him again.

Suddenly he got up and apologized. He said he needed to get some sleep for work tomorrow. Mouse headed for the couch and told Juliana she could take the guest bedroom, he would take the couch. Hank slept in the chair and Erin led Jay to his room.

Erin rubbed Jay's back as he started to let his emotions get the best of him again. He climbed into bed and asked her to stay with him. She did. They fell asleep with Jay's arms wrapped around Erin like they used to. And it felt good. Really good.


	4. Chapter 4

**Erin's POV**

The first thing I noticed when I woke up was the heavy arm across my body. Turning around, I nearly fell off the bed when I see Jay lying next to me until the events from the day before came back to me. He woke up and smiled at me. Smiling back, I realize that this is the happiest I have ever woken up before. Since I left, that is. Suddenly our lips collided and our tongues danced around each other before we jumped apart as a tiny little body jumped on top of Jay.

"Daddy! Daddy! I want pancakes!" Dean yelled as he ran away just as quickly as he had come.

I looked over at Jay in surprise and see him laughing at my expression.

"What?! I just didn't expect it!" I defend myself, laughing.

"Whatever you say, Lindsay. Deny it all you want, but you just got scared by a four-year old," Jay said, laughing.

"Whatever," I say in defeat.

When we get to the kitchen, it was crowded. I know what it's like to have a kid in the house in the morning. But four? It was chaos. Jay just laughed and headed over to the stove, where he began mixing batter and cooking pancakes while simultaneously engaging in conversation with three separate kids. I just stared at him in awe. He was amazing. I headed over to join Juliana and Hank at the kitchen table, where Hank stood and gave me a big hug.

"I missed you, kiddo," he said.

"You too, Hank. Hey, how's he been doing? I mean, I know I talked to him last night, but he closed off. I don't know how to get him to open up, Hank," I ask.

"Erin, you've been gone for sixteen years. Now I know he wasn't very open before you left either, but you broke his heart. It's gonna take time before he can fully trust you again," Hank explains, before going to help Mouse with Lincoln, who just woke up. When he got back to the table with the little boy in his arms, I asked him one more question.

"Hey, Hank, can I come into the District today? I mean, I get it if you don't want me there, but I would like to see everyone and stuff, but I get it if you—" I say as I start to ramble, but before I can finish, Hank cuts me off.

"—Of course you can, Erin. But just don't mention Sophie or the kids. The team knows about them obviously, but Jay just got back a few weeks ago. He hasn't told them about Sophie's death yet," Hank says.

"Okay, will do. Thanks, Hank," I respond, as he nods to me.

I start to head over to Jay when I see Lily tugging on my hand and dragging me back to her room.

"Erin! Can you play with me?" Lily pleads with me.

"Of course I can. What do you wanna play?" I ask, sitting down on her bed.

"Dolls. But we should talk first," she says with the most serious face she can muster.

"Okay. About what?" I say with the same amount of seriousness.

"You and Daddy, duh," Lily responds, giggling.

"What! Oh, um, no that's not—"

"—I saw you two kissing this morning, don't try to deny it," she says, brushing her doll's hair.

"Oh. Well, you don't have to worry, Lily, okay. I'm not trying to take your mom's place or anything. Me and Jay just have a bit of history that brought up some memories," I try to explain, wincing as I try not to make her mad.

"Oh, stop it. I know you like him. Just tell him. He likes you too, I can tell," Lily says with a smirk.

I smile back and relax immediately before responding with an okay, and picking up a doll and playing police with her.

**Jay's POV**

When I saw Erin being dragged away by Lily, I smiled and before I could yell after them about breakfast, Grayson brings up soccer practice and starts rambling about a boy he doesn't like. I tell him to be nice and try to be his friend, when Mouse walks up and puts a hand on my shoulder, telling me to go talk to Juliana. I thank him and go join Hank and Juliana at the table.

"Hey. Good morning. I hope you slept well," I start with.

"Yeah, I slept great. Thanks," Juliana says with a smile.

As I take Lincoln from Hank's arms, I happen to glance at the clock and realize the time.

"Shoot, I'm running late. Is there any way you can make sure they eat and get dressed?" I ask Hank, who agrees and walks off.

"I can take him, if you'd like," Juliana suggests, and gestures to Lincoln in my arms.

I thank her and hand him over before running to my bedroom, getting ready and poking my head into Lily's room on my way back. My heart melts at the sight. Erin and Lily are laughing as they play with the dolls.

"Hey, guys," I say, walking in.

"Daddy, you're messing up the arrest," Lily complains while Erin softly laughs on the side.

"I'm sorry. But Lily, you won't be going to Uncle Will and Aunt Natalie's house if you don't get ready soon," I tell her and her eyes quickly go wide as she runs to her closet to get ready. I laugh and turn to Erin, who is smiling as well.

"You can borrow some of Sophie's old clothes. They'll probably fit you," I say as she turns to me.

"Really? You'd be okay with that?" She asks, with a small smile on her face.

"Yeah. I heard you were coming to the district today. I figured you'd want to change after sleeping in that all night," I say with a smile. She just smiles back and follows me back to my room.

"Hey, Jay?" Erin asks.

"Yeah," I respond.

"Thanks for opening up to us last night. I really appreciated it. Juliana did too, I could tell," she says, and I smile and nod.

"So, Will and Natalie, huh? He finally worked up the courage to ask her," Erin laughs.

"Yeah. They're amazing together. Will's actually been practicing surgery again, under Rhodes, believe it or not," I tell her.

"Really? Well good for them," she says before asking, "Any kids yet?"

"Yeah, they have three. Owen, obviously. Will adopted him about one year after they got married," I say, and she smiles. "Then they had a girl and a boy, Zoey and Noah," I say, laughing.

"I bet they're adorable," she says before realizing I'm laughing, and asks what I'm laughing at.

"When I dropped the kids off last week, I walked in the door to see Zoey holding a stray dog in her arms, begging Will to keep it. Owen was running around the house screaming about rabies, and Natalie was trying to wrangle all three kids and cook breakfast all at the same time, while Noah was just sitting on the couch peacefully watching cartoons. I think it was the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life," I barely get out, and by the time I'm finished, we're both dying from laughter.

"Oh, man, they have some wild ones, don't they," Erin says, laughing.

"Yeah. We take turns watching each other's kids. I watch theirs on the weekend, they take mine during the week," I say, finally calming down.

"That's awesome, Jay. I'm proud of you, you know?" Erin says, making me smile.

Before I know it, my lips are on hers, and she's kissing me back. Then I pull away and shoot her a smile before saying that we need to get ready to actually get to work on time.

By the time I get Lincoln ready and all the kids are in the truck, except for Grayson, who insisted on riding in Mouse's jeep, we are all running half an hour late. Hank and Mouse follow me in the jeep to Will's house, then to the precinct, where Trudy begins to summon me, before stopping upon seeing that I'm here with Erin and the mysterious girl from yesterday, along with Hank and Mouse, who are also late.

We rush upstairs and when the team sees Erin, everyone freezes. They all rush her at once, Antonio reaching her first, squeezing the life out of her. Then Ruzek, being Ruzek, begins to ambush her with questions, the last one being, "I can't believe Jay forgave you, what the hell happened," before I cut him off.

"Adam, come on, man, let her breathe," I say.

"Okay, everyone! Step back," she says, and everybody obeys, not wanting to experience the wrath of Erin Lindsay, which makes me laugh.

"Yes, I am back. But please, one question at a time, and before you ask, yes, this is my daughter, Juliana," Erin announces, shocking everybody. Juliana waves nervously, and I put a comforting hand on her shoulder, earning a smile from her.

"Wait, Jay, is she—" Hailey begins, before cutting herself off.

"Yes, this is also my daughter. Be nice. You don't want to get on her bad side, let alone Erin's, or mine," I say, getting the point across, jokingly. We all sit down and start on paperwork.

About four hours later, Trudy comes upstairs with two soldiers, who salute me and Mouse.

"At ease, soldiers," I say, before asking what they need.

"Master Sergeants Halstead and Gerwitz, it's an honor, we've heard about all the things you've done for this country," they begin, and I nod, along with Mouse.

"General Jackson wants you to report to Camp Benning tomorrow for your next mission," they report.

"I told General Jackson that I was taking some time off, does he not understand that?" I say, getting irritated, and I can tell Mouse is too, if the way his hands are shaking is any indication.

"He said it's urgent. Lieutenant Logan has been declared MIA. The last place he called in was Korangal Valley. They forbid any more soldiers from going in. But you two know that place better than anyone else. He wants to send you in, you two only, for a rescue," the younger one says, while the other one was already engaging in conversation with the rest of the team and explaining that Mouse and I are legends in the Army. Of course, we never told anyone what we've done. It's too hard to talk about the details. They finish, and the team looks at us in awe.

I look at Mouse, who shrugs, then Hank, who asks how long the mission is, and I look back at the soldier.

"About 2 weeks sir, they will return when Logan is in their hands safely," the soldier explains.

I reluctantly agree, but then they offer me condolences, and I freeze. The team comes to a realization and leads the soldiers out of the bullpen. Antonio and Hailey lead me to the break room, where Mouse talks me through breathing techniques, and hands me a beer. I take a swig, and snap out of it. Mouse takes me to the locker room, where he just stays and doesn't say a word, until I'm ready to return. I thank him, and when I can't continue my explanation of Sophie's death, he finishes for me.

Hank lets us leave early, and Erin and Juliana come with. When we get home, Mouse offers to watch the kids while I get some rest before tomorrow.

Erin lays in bed with me until it's dark out, and when she goes to leave, I ask her to stay, and she rejoins me in bed.

"I'm sorry, Jay. I know you didn't want them to know yet," she says, stroking my hair, which I let grow a little long, ever since Sophie died.

"It's okay. I'm kind of glad. I just couldn't bring myself to tell them, and now that they know, it's like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I don't have to fake a smile every day, and pretend everything's fine," I admit, and she nods, moving down to rub my back.

"Erin? Can I ask something big from you?" I ask her.

"Yeah, Jay, what is it?" She asks.

"I want you to stay here, with the kids. Help Hank with them. Whenever I'm away, Hank just stays here with them, and I want you to be here when I get back also," I say, hopeful.

She hesitates before answering with a smile, "Of course, Jay. I want the same thing."

I turn around and kiss her, and as she returns the kiss, all I can think about is that I can't wait to get back home already.

When we wake up, Mouse had my bags packed, and I drive to the airport with Erin, Hank, and Mouse. Juliana offered to watch the kids until Erin and Hank got back.

Erin kisses me again, and says goodbye, with a nervous smile before stepping back to let Hank say goodbye.

I look back once and wave goodbye to Erin before I walk onto the platform in my fatigues and my army bag in hand, with Mouse next to me.

"You ready?" I ask.

"Never. You?" He answers with a smile.

"Never," I say back, giving a weak smile.


	5. Chapter 5

**Korangal Valley, Afghanistan**

**1 week later**

"So, each entrance has two guards, all with guns, except for the roof. There's only one guy up there, so that's where we'll breach," Jay says, and Mouse nods, packing their equipment.

"Hey, Jay, do you know where they're keeping Logan?" Mouse asks, and Jay shakes his head.

"We're gonna have to search the place, there are heat signatures all over the place, any one of them could be Logan," Jay explains.

"Okay, we're all good, let's head out," Mouse says, following Jay.

As they approach the compound, Jay signals Mouse to help him with his harness, and Mouse helps Jay climb to the roof, and when Mouse gets up, they knock out the guard, and enter through the roof.

They searched and cleared the rooms with perfect precision before reaching the end of the hall and stopping. Jay whispered to breach as Mouse kicked the door in. They were able to see Logan tied to a chair across the room, 10 men with him. They took the guards down easily. Suddenly Mouse saw Jay fall in his peripheral vision and turned to shoot the attacker, but froze as he felt a gun pressed against the back of his head.

As he looked over, he saw Jay lying on the ground, unconscious, with a knife at his throat. He slowly dropped his gun and kicked it away. Before he knew what was happening, he felt a sharp prick in his neck and the world went black.

**Chicago, Illinois**

**2 weeks later**

"It's been two weeks, Hank!" Erin yelled, worried out of her mind. "Why the hell haven't we heard anything?"

Just as he was about to respond, there was a knock at the door. Juliana walked into the room with Lincoln on her hip and froze as she saw Hank lead the two military men into the living room. Erin quickly grabbed Lincoln before she dropped him and put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"Hello sir. We're looking for a Hank Voight?" One of the soldiers asked.

"Yeah, that's me. What's going on?" Hank replied.

"You are listed as the emergency contact for both Jay Halstead and Greg Gerwitz. I'm sorry to be the one to inform you but they have both been declared missing in action," the other soldier said with a slight stutter.

Hank's step faltered, and he fell back slightly.

"I'm very sorry, sir. If it means anything, from the stories I've heard about those two, if anyone could make it out of there, it would be them," the soldier said before saluting and leaving, closing the door behind him.

Erin rushed up behind Hank as his knees buckled and she led him to the couch. She felt tears forming as she saw the look on his face. It was one of utter despair and disbelief. She had never seen Hank like this before, and now, with Jay? She realized how close they must have gotten in her absence and she felt the regret she's been feeling these past couple of weeks come back in full force. It hadn't been easy, staying in Jay's apartment and looking at pictures of him smiling with a beautiful blond woman at his side. Them with their kids. That could have been her. Her and Jay.

**Korangal Valley, Afghanistan**

**4 months later**

**Jay's POV**

All I could feel anymore was the pain. I couldn't concentrate on anything else. I could vaguely hear Mouse's voice in the background, telling me to hold on, that I had to stay alive. For the kids. For Hank. Erin. Juliana. At the mention of Erin, I tried to latch onto his voice, but I just couldn't.

I could feel the rope burning my wrists. Every inch of my body hurt. They liked using their fists. One guy nearly killed me punching the hell out of the right side of my face. Then we attempted to escape and killed the son of a bitch. Luckily, we got Logan out, but me and Mouse didn't.

That little attempt only made them angrier, unfortunately, and one of the other guys beat me so bad he broke my nose, both sides of my jaw, my left eye socket, and at least 10 ribs. That's to go along with the 5 or 6 that had been broken before that.

Not to mention my knee was probably shattered. They took a hammer to it. That one hurt. I can't really feel the rest of my injuries anymore.

I tensed as I heard footsteps approaching and as the men returned, all I could do was think of getting out of here and back to her.

**Chicago, Illinois**

**Erin's POV**

It had been four months. What was supposed to be a simple two week rescue mission had turned out to be a major fuck up. Before everything happened, that being Juliana flying to Chicago to meet her long lost father, I had expected to never see him again. I expected to get a phone call from Adam or Antonio one day that told me he had been shot. Or blown up. And for some reason, I accepted it. Now, all these months of worrying about him, I don't know how I ever did it. I regret every decision I made back then. I forgot how much I loved him. And I knew I could never give him up again.

I can't really bring myself to get out of bed much these days. His bed. Lily comes in most mornings with breakfast that Hank or Mouse made, but I'm usually not hungry. She knows that something is wrong with her dad. She never brings it up, probably afraid that someone will end up giving her the same speech her dad gave her when her mom didn't come home.

Hank offered me my old job back. I told him that I would think about it. To be honest, I had already quit my job back in New York. I just didn't want to go back to the district until Jay and Mouse were back home safe.

Will comes over a lot nowadays. He helps out with Jay's kids a ton. He still doesn't trust me at all, but has been nicer than expected after seeing me stuck in bed. Natalie has been the one to drag me out of bed and get me to shower and eat every day and I can't thank her enough for it.

My phone ringing finally brought me to sit up as I didn't recognize the caller ID. I knew it probably wasn't the army, but I could hope.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Is this Erin Lindsay?" A male voice comes from the other end.

"Yes, that's me. What's this about?" I ask with uncertainty.

"It's regarding Master Sergeants Jay Halstead and Greg Gerwitz," he said and I nearly dropped the phone. "Their emergency contact, Hank Voight, said to call you as well."

"What happened?" I say, my voice beginning to waver.

"Well, as you know, they were declared MIA. The man they were sent in to rescue, escaped. Lieutenant Logan said that they got him out but they were caught. He is heading another rescue mission, this time with a full unit to aid him. We were going to send soldiers to tell you, but I figured you would want to know before it happened," the man explained.

"Um, thank you," I say, not knowing his name.

"Captain Clay Rickards, ma'am. I was the one who trained Jay. Funny thing is, now he's in charge of me. I'm going in with them. I promise, I'm gonna do whatever it takes to get him back."

"Thank you Captain. I appreciate that. You'll call me when it's over?" I say with hope.

"Your welcome. And of course. The mission is tomorrow morning at 0800. Hopefully, if everything goes as plan, we'll have them back by 9," the captain says before hanging up.

I slowly stood up and walked into the kitchen, where I managed a smile seeing Hank surrounded by children.

"Grandpa Hank! Grandpa Hank! We're gonna be late for school!" Lily yelled as she grabbed a pancake off Grayson's plate, causing chaos, and soon, Hank was trying to wrangle the three oldest when Lincoln started crying. I walked over and picked him up and started calming him down.

"Everybody! Go get ready for school! If you're late nobody is getting ice cream later!" Hank announced, finally exhausted.

"That's not fair!" Grayson yelled as he chased Lily to her room.

"Grandpa Hank, huh?" I say when it's quiet again.

"Yeah. Me and Jay got extremely close after you left, Erin. He is like a son to me. So is Mouse. After he joined the unit, we all started hanging out, sharing crazy stories. Me, Jay, Mouse, and Sophie that is," Hank says, but his smile fades a little at the thought of Sophie.

"What was she like?" I ask.

"Honestly, she was the funniest person I had ever met. She brought out something in Jay that had been destroyed by you, Erin. I'm not telling you this to make you feel better, but you need to know."

Juliana joined us at the table and gave me a hug and a small smile before Hank continued.

"He wasn't lying when he said he was in a bad place. I was the one who dragged him out of the bar every night. And it wasn't even just you, anymore. After you left, Erin, his PTSD got so heightened he couldn't function. I was the one who calmed him down in the middle of the night when he woke up screaming and sobbing. I was the one who talked him through breathing techniques when the flashbacks got too much to handle. Then he started using. Whatever he could get his hands on. Then he got that letter, the one that said he had to go back, for Sophie. He showed up at my office and started sobbing and I could barely make out the words," Hank said, pausing.

"Anyway, I got him to go home, and when I got there, he was passed out on his bed, and I helped him through withdrawal. It was intense, and he ended up sleeping for two days straight, so I packed his bags, helped him get ready, and saw him off at the airport. Then he was gone for 12 months and when he got back there was a beautiful girl on his arm," Hank said, then started talking about Sophie again.

"When he first got back, he showed up at the district with her, and everybody crowded him, and I could tell it was making him uncomfortable, so I told everyone to back off and that's when I noticed Sophie. But not because she was nervous or anxious like you would think she would be. She stood tall and introduced herself, and within a minute she had everyone in the district wrapped around her finger, including Platt."

At that I raised my eyebrows, and Juliana gave me a confused look.

"Platt is the desk sergeant," I say and stop as realization dawns on her.

"Oh. Yeah. She's intense," Juliana says and I laugh before turning to Hank.

"Did you get the call?" I ask. He nods.

"What call?" Juliana asks, looking at me, then Hank.

"Jay's old captain called. Said they were doing a rescue mission for Jay and Mouse," Hank explains.

"That's good! Right?" Juliana says when she sees our faces.

"It could be. But we have no idea if they are even still alive, and if they are, we don't know if they will be able to make it to a hospital," I say, regretting it as Juliana's face drops.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door, and as Hank goes to get it, I check my phone for the first time in weeks. I had turned it off, not wanting to have to deal with anybody. My eyes went wide as I turned to the door to try and stop Hank from opening it. It was too late.

I ran back to the bedroom with Juliana right behind me. My eyes skimmed the texts and they were all variations of 'Erin what's going ons' and 'Where the hell are yous' and 'Can you answer mes.'

"Mom, what do we do? You didn't tell him where we went, right?" Juliana said, and I shook my head. Then he barged in.

"Erin? What the hell is going on?" He yelled, and I could hear Dean start crying from the living room and Hank walked in a couple seconds later with Dean on his hip, who had curled into Hank's side.

"Look, David, let me explain," I start, but he cuts me off.

"Explain? It's been five months since I've seen you, Erin! What is there to explain? I'm your boyfriend for Christ's sake!" David yells back, and I look at the ground. I notice Hank leading David to the living room, so I follow.

"Look, David, I'm sorry, but it was important—" I start as we sit down, but Juliana cuts him off.

"—It's my fault. I flew here to meet my father. I knew he was a cop, and I knew he lived in Chicago. I found his picture in mom's wallet and I just couldn't help myself. I asked around and I finally ran into him, literally, at his district, and there was a bomb threat, so he was busy, and he told me to come wait for him here. I fell asleep, and the next thing I knew, he was shaking me awake and a few minutes later, mom was at his door, and everything just happened so fast," she says, stopping when David doesn't even look mad.

"Why didn't you just tell me that, Erin? I wouldn't have been mad. You were just coming to get Juliana. I am mad, however, that you refused to return any of my calls or texts and didn't even come back. Then I find out you quit your job? What's going on?" David asks.

"David, it's a long story," I say, trying to get him to drop it.

"We have time," he says, and I realize Hank had already put the kids down. I sigh and begin.

"This apartment. It belongs to Jay, Juliana's father. I tracked Annie's phone here and I came, surprised to see Jay behind the door. He yelled at me and told me to get out, which I completely deserved, after everything I did to him, but I barged past him and eventually we calmed down and just talked. The next day I went with him and Hank to the district, where a couple of soldiers came and said that there was a rescue mission they needed him and his best friend for. So they went. And I've been here ever since. He asked me to help Hank watch his kids. I owed him that. And it was only supposed to last a couple weeks, David. He's been MIA for four months. They're doing a rescue mission in the morning, and I have to know if he's okay," I say, barely holding back tears near the end.

David's face softened slightly as I mentioned Jay was military. He always had respect for military and first responders. Then he pulled me into a hug and all I could think about was how it wasn't Jay's arms that were wrapped around me.


	6. Chapter 6

Erin's POV

"Lily! Grayson! Time for breakfast!" I yell as I carry Lincoln into the kitchen where Hank is sliding french toast onto plates.

Lily comes running in with Grayson right behind her. "Yay! Grandpa Hank's french toast!"

Juliana finally comes in, holding Dean's hand. She sits down at the kitchen table when Dean has his food. I join her and notice she looks a little worried./

"Hey, what's wrong, Annie?" I ask just as David walks in. He had been sleeping in the guest room and Juliana joined me, since David refused to leave without me. I knew I needed to tell him to leave, but I still barely had the energy to get out of bed since the rescue mission. That was 2 months ago. The one that didn't bring Jay, Mouse, Captain Rickards, or the unit back.

"I'm worried about him, Mom. I mean, is he even still alive?" She asks with tears coming to her eyes.

"You know I can't give you an answer to that, honey. But we need to believe that he is still out there, and fighting to get back to us," I say and she shoots me a small smile and quickly gets up when David sits down next to me.

"Hey, Erin. Nice to see you out of bed for once," he says. We had been fighting since he got here but still he refused to leave.

"What are you even still doing here, David? I mean, this is Jay's apartment. It is a little weird," I say, hoping he'll get the hint and go home.

"So I'll stay in a hotel. Erin, I'm not leaving you here alone," he starts but I cut him off.

"David, look, I don't think we can do this anymore. Okay, I'm here for a reason, because I made a promise to Jay, to look after his kids. And I'm worried about him. But I just don't think we should see each other anymore," I say, and he looks almost angry, until his face softens and he calmly gets up.

"Alright. If that's how it's gonna be. I'm flying home. Have a nice life, Erin," he snaps before grabbing his few belongings and slamming the front door shut behind him.

I finally sigh in relief before heading back to Jay's bedroom. When I crawl back into his bed, wearing his shirt, I finally let the tears fall. I hadn't let myself cry since Captain Rickards called about the rescue mission. I told myself that I had to be strong, and that Jay would walk in the door any minute. But he never did. It had now been 6 months since Jay had made contact with anybody. The army assumed he was dead, but couldn't declare either him or Mouse KIA without a body. So I kept my hope. And I let the tears fall.

Jay's POV

I could hear Mouse's voice calling to me, telling me to hold on, but I just couldn't anymore. I lost count of how long it had been. I couldn't tell what parts of my body were hurt anymore, cause everything throbbed. My chest, my legs, my arms, my head.

I could faintly feel a knife being slid in between my ribs, and I gasped for air as blood filled my mouth and I could hear Mouse screaming, then what sounded like gunshots, and the last thing I saw before I blacked out was Erin, smiling and happy. And I let the blackness take me.

Mouse's POV

I was trying to get Jay to focus on me, but it was no use. His eyes were glassy and unfocused, and he didn't make a move to indicate he could hear me. Then the man came back in, a knife in hand. I started yelling, telling him to leave Jay alone. Then he thrust the knife right into Jay's chest. Then somebody was screaming. I realized it was me.

The man who stabbed him said he was useless now. Then gunshots rang through the house we were holed up in. The man put the knife to my throat. Then he was down. I saw that Logan was the one who shot him.

I quickly looked over to Jay, and my eyes widened in horror as I realized his chest wasn't moving up and down, he wasn't breathing, and there was so much blood. Too much blood.

They untied me and I rushed over to him just as they untied him. They laid him down and I immediately started compressions. I could see Logan started breaths, and hands were trying to drag me off of him, but I wouldn't budge. Logan was yelling at them to get the first aid kit. Suddenly everyone was moving around, and they were lifting us both onto a gurney, me still doing compressions.

As the helicopter took off, the medic took over, pounding on Jay's chest. They told me that they were flying us straight to Chicago, that it was the best option if he was gonna live. So, over the next 12 hours, me, Logan, and the two medics switched off on compressions until we finally saw the hospital.

As they unloaded us from the helicopter, I continued with compressions, even when I noticed Will was the one trying to pry me off of him. Connor Rhodes finally got me off and took over compressions. When I lost sight of Jay, I finally let myself collapse into Will and just as I passed out I saw Will's terrified face above me. Then everything went black.

Will's POV

I was in shock. The call came in that two soldiers were being flown in, that they were in extremely critical condition. I didn't let myself believe that it was them at first, because if I saw them and it wasn't them, I don't know how well I would've handled it. So when I got up there and I saw Mouse pounding on Jay's chest, I don't think I've ever moved faster in my life.

When I finally got to them, however, I froze. My heart nearly stopped beating. Jay wasn't even breathing. He was covered in blood. And Mouse was not letting go. He was yelling and telling them to just let him save him. I knew it was his PTSD kicking in. I tried to drag him off, but I just caught an elbow to the face.

Then Connor got him off and immediately kept up the CPR. He shot me a worried look before getting him inside. That's when Mouse collapsed onto me. As I lay him down and tried to get him to open his eyes, the army medics rushed over to help and that's when I saw the huge pool of blood coating his fatigues. I quickly put pressure on it just as they lifted him to a gurney and we rushed him inside. By the time we reached the ED, I handed him off to Natalie and Ethan and went straight to the break room.

Before I knew what I was doing, I pulled out my phone and called Hank.

Hank's POV

When I noticed my phone buzzing, I was more than surprised to see Will was the one calling me. He had just left for his shift barely two hours ago after watching the kids for the day.

"Will? What's going on? Did you forget something?" I ask as I answer the phone.

"Uh, hey, Hank. You need to get to Med now. Like right now," Will says as calmly as possible.

"What are you talking about? Will, what's going on?" I ask more urgently.

"Just grab the kids and get over here. Jay and Mouse were just flown in," Will says.

"What? How are they?" I ask in panic while running to Jay's room.

"Mouse lost a lot of blood but he'll most likely be okay. Jay's in much worse shape. I don't know if he's gonna make it. Hank, there was so much blood. Just get here," Will says before hanging up.

I burst into Jay's room to see Erin curled up on the bed in his shirt, crying.

"Erin!" I yell. Her head shoots up to look at me and her eyes are red and puffy.

"What? Hank what's wrong?" She says, noticing that something is wrong.

"It's Jay and Mouse. They were found. And they're at Med. Help me grab the kids and Juliana and let's go. Now!" I yell.

We're all in the car within a minute, and I turn on my sirens as I speed to the hospital. Erin's out of the car before it fully stops and I messily park before getting the kids and running in after her.

I find her standing in front of a trauma bay with tears streaming down her face. She is sobbing and yelling Jay's name. I rush over to her and when I see Jay, I freeze. I feel a few tears stream down my face as well as I see the state he's in. Every doctor and nurse in the emergency room is packed into the room working on Jay, including Will.

Then his heart stops beating and it takes everything I have to hold Erin back. I am suddenly extremely grateful that I called the unit right before we left because soon Antonio, Adam, and Kevin are at my side holding her back. But soon she calms down and they see Jay as well. Adam takes a step back and lets out a sob and puts his hand to his mouth. Antonio turns and punches a wall. Kevin grabs Erin's arm and gently leads her away.

Finally the monitors sound normal again, and the doctors step back. Maggie comes out with Dr. Rhodes and he asks who Jay's emergency contact is. I tell him I am, and that's when I hear Juliana next to me mumble a muffled oh my god.

Rhodes leads us to a private room where Erin and Kevin are he tells me that he should talk to me alone, but I say that he can tell everyone.

He gives me a skeptical look but begins to tell us and immediately I wish he hadn't.

Erin's POV

When Hank told me that Jay had been found, I thought I was dreaming. But when we got to the hospital, and I saw him in that trauma bay, lying there so helpless, covered in blood and bruises, I wanted to vomit. I could feel the tears streaming down my face but I couldn't make myself look away. Eventually his heart stopped and it took the whole team to hold me back. Finally Kevin led me away to a break room.

When Connor finally started approaching with Hank, Will, Adam, Antonio, Juliana, and all the kids behind him, I jumped up and asked him how he is. I really wish I hadn't.

"Well, to start, he has a pretty bad head injury. He was knocked over the head which has caused some swelling on the brain, but luckily it has started to go down with antibiotics. He broke his nose and his jaw on both sides. Unfortunately, we also found a fracture in his left eye socket. We're going to have to wait and see if it will require surgery. There was significant bruising around his throat and he has a crushed larynx so it will hurt to speak and swallow for quite some time," Connor started, shocking all of us.

"Moving down, both his shoulders have been repeatedly dislocated, but his left one was in worse shape. We have it in a sling to try and let it heal the best we can. His left collarbone was also shattered as well as his left elbow, hand, and three fingers. There was what looked like a bullet wound in his right arm but we got that sewed up and bandaged so it shouldn't be a problem," he said after pausing again. At this point, everyone was crying, even Hank, which almost surprised me, until I remembered how close they had gotten.

"Moving to his chest, we did find several stab wounds and gunshot wounds in his chest and abdomen, which were all mostly superficial, meant only to cause a lot of pain, except for one. One of them went right through his sternum, cutting the bone in half, which caused it to rupture a lung. We got that under control, but then his other lung was ruptured by one of his broken ribs. We also got that one under control, but he is on a ventilator to help him breathe. He has 18 broken ribs, and honestly, it's a miracle he didn't puncture a lung earlier. He also had burn marks and whip lashes on his back, but those were taken care of as well. As for his legs, he won't be walking for a while and will most likely need a lot of physical therapy. His right hip was fractured, along with his right ankle. His left knee was completely shattered, and it's possible with all this trauma, he will have a limp for the rest of his life," Connor finally finished, and I let out a sob at the end and buried my head in Hank's shoulder. Then I remembered the kids and was relieved to see that Juliana had taken them out of the room.

"What about Mouse?" I hear Hank ask and look to Connor and Will.

"He lost a lot of blood from a stab wound to the abdomen and he has a few broken ribs as well as a concussion but he'll be okay," Will answered.

"Can we see them?" I ask impatiently.

"Mouse, sure. Jay is a different story. We can't risk any of his wounds getting infected and I would rather you not. However, I know that won't stop you. So one at a time for only 10 minutes tops," Connor says.

"Okay, of course. Can I talk to Mouse first though?" I ask.

"Yeah, follow me," Connor says, and all of us are led to Mouse's room, where he is sitting up with a distant look on his face. Will motions for us to stay back as he slowly approaches the bed.

"Hey, Mouse. How you doing buddy?" Will asks calmly. Mouse turns to look at him but doesn't seem to recognize him.

"It's Will. I just wanted to check in, see how you're feeling," Will says, still slowly approaching.

At first I was confused about what Will was doing until I realized that Mouse was probably still in that desert and Will didn't want to startle him. What Mouse said next, however, chilled me to the bone.

"Please don't hurt him anymore. Please, hurt me instead. Just don't hurt him anymore," Mouse pleaded with Will, and everybody froze. Then Will raised his hand and slapped Mouse across the face. I let out a gasp and almost rushed forward when I noticed Mouse staring at Will in surprise.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Did I hurt anyone?" Mouse asks breathlessly.

"No, it's okay, you didn't," Will began before I interrupted him.

"Mouse, what did you mean by that?" I ask and Will whips his head around and glares at me.

"What—what did I say" He stutters out.

"Um, well, you uh, you said that they shouldn't hurt Jay anymore, and that they should hurt you instead," I say slowly, realizing I shouldn't have brought it up.

"Oh. Yeah. Um, nothing, just forget I said that," he mumbles. "Oh, how's Jay doing, by the way? Nobody would, uh, tell me anything," he asks.

"Not good. But he's recovering. You can visit once you've rested up a bit," Will says, before motioning for me to follow him outside.

"Okay, I know that you weren't here to help Jay deal with his PTSD, but typically, when they say something during one of their 'episodes', you don't bring it up. It could trigger something and they could completely shut down. I made that mistake with Jay plenty of times. But I learned because I was here and you were off in New York with his daughter you neglected to tell him about," Will nearly yells. I let him, because I know I deserve it. But it still hurts.

"Look, Will, when are you going to accept it. Okay, I'm back. I never stopped loving Jay, but I was scared. Hell, I was terrified. I didn't know what to do. So, yeah, I left, and I was a horrible person back then, but I'm here now. And I sure as hell am not going anywhere," I shoot back and he gives a small smile.

"Fine. But if you hurt my brother again, I will make sure you never see him again. Now follow me. You can visit after me," he says with a smile at the end. I laugh back.

When we finally reach Jay's room I take a small peek through the window and I almost start crying again. I finally step back and let Will have the time with his brother alone.


	7. Chapter 7

Erin's POV

I almost didn't walk in. I almost walked away and out of his life again for good. I had somehow convinced myself that this was my fault. That by coming back, I had screwed up his life again. But the logical part of me made me make my way into the room.

The second I reached the chair next to his bed, I collapsed into it and grabbed his limp hand. I finally let a few tears fall as I tried to focus on anything other than his bruised face. My eyes fell on the hand I was holding. I never realized how many scars he had. Probably from the war.

Eventually I made myself look up at him. He looked so tiny and helpless in the bed. Suddenly the overwhelming urge I've had these past few months to be held by him kicked in again full force and I found myself climbing into the hospital bed with him.

As I curled up into his side I listened to his breathing and remembered what the doctor said about the ventilator breathing for him and I lost it again as I let out all the fear and longing I've felt for the past 6 months.

I soon fell asleep snuggled up against him, but was startled awake just moments later by a nurse coming in to check his vitals.

Then I saw Juliana in the doorway, who had all four kids with her. She had tears streaming down her face and before she could stop her, Lily ran up to Jay's bedside and kissed his hand, telling him that he needs to feel better soon and that she missed him.

Grayson, however, took his time walking to the bed. He looked conflicted and a thousand emotions were running across his face. He most likely never saw his dad like this and it probably scared him. So I took his hand and explained to him that his daddy had been in an accident on his mission, but he needed his kids there to help him get better. Slowly, he nodded and joined Lily next to Jay.

The six of them stayed there all night, waiting for a miracle.

I woke to Hank shaking me awake. I looked up at him and saw that he had brought us breakfast. He smiled and handed the bag to me. As I ate, I noticed the far away look on Hank's face.

"What's up?" I asked, setting the food aside.

He glanced at me for a second before looking back at Jay's limp form. "It's stupid. I was just thinking about the last time this happened."

"Wait, hold up. This has happened before?" I say, shocked.

"Yeah. I mean, it wasn't as bad as this, but on his third tour back, his and Mouse's Humvee got hit by an IED. He was transferred to a hospital in Germany and I flew there to stay with him until he recovered enough to come home," Hank said, lost in memory.

I stayed silent for a minute or two, before he continued.

"When he finally did wake up, I'm glad that Sophie wasn't there. He was mumbling your name, Erin. It took me a while to calm him down," Hank said with a smile.

"Hank, I know that I can't just go back in time and change things, but if I could, I wouldn't hesitate. I don't think I ever wanted to believe it before, but I can't live without him. These past few months have definitely taught me a lesson," I say, tears welling up in my eyes.

As Hank pulls me into a hug, I hear groaning coming from the bed and I rush over. I saw his eyes open and I went to grab his hand before Hank stopped me.

"Wait! Erin, he might not know where he is. Just, give me a minute to explain everything to him," Hank says. I take a step back as I watch Hank whisper to Jay and comfort him.

"It's all right, Jay. Okay, no one is going to hurt you anymore," Hank whispers and that's when I notice the tears streaming down Jay's face as he writhes in the bed, probably in pain.

Soon I can't take it anymore and I rush downstairs to get Will. As I reach him, he knows it's about Jay and runs after me to the elevator. As we reach Jay's room, Will slows down, hearing Hank's soft tone.

Walking into that room again was hard. It felt like I was walking through quicksand with weights attached to my ankles. I felt like I couldn't move. The reality of the whole situation suddenly felt real. That Jay almost died. So I walked out of the room and rushed outside for a breath of fresh air.

After a minute or two, I felt a comforting hand on my shoulder, and turned to see that it was Natalie.

"Are you okay?" She asked me. All I could manage was shaking my head.

She quickly pulled me into a hug and held me as I shook and cried.

"How could this have happened? I mean, how could all of this have gone so wrong?" I force out, still sobbing.

"Erin, what happened to Jay was horrible. No one can say otherwise. But he needs you. Okay, and he's strong. He's been through so much, and he's always come out the other side even stronger. If anyone can get through this, it's him. But, he's gonna need you at his side. You're what keeps him fighting now. So go back up there and be there for him. He needs you," Natalie says, and I nod and thank her before we head back up to the ICU together.

At his room, Will joins Natalie outside and they head back downstairs, Hank behind them, to give me some time alone with Jay. I noticed that he was already asleep, so I climbed back into bed with him again for tonight.


	8. Chapter 8

**ONE WEEK LATER**

I woke up to the sound of someone whimpering. I almost ignored it and went back to sleep, but I noticed that Jay was moving around in the bed. I jumped up and went to shake him awake when I remembered Hank telling me to never wake him up when he was having a nightmare.

As his eyes flew open, he started groaning and I did what Hank had done the week before. Just whispered to him, that everything was okay. Eventually, he calmed down.

Then his hands went straight to the tube in his throat. I quickly grabbed his hand and he flinched, his heart rate jumping for a moment before going back down.

"Hold on, I'll get the doctor, okay, maybe he can take it out," I say, before running to find Connor.

As Connor came back into the room, he told Jay to cough as he removed the tube. His cough sounded horrible. It was wheezy and crackly. I winced as the tube finally came out and he went into a coughing fit. I held out some water to him and he chugged all of it.

"Thank you," he said, and his voice was incredibly raspy from having the tube in it for so long.

"You're welcome," I respond with a smile. "How are you feeling?"

"Like shit," he responded. I winced at the hoarseness of his voice.

"I'm sorry," I say. "Jay, what happened out there, man. I was so worried."

"He turned his head away. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay. But I'm here when you're ready," I say.

"Alright," he sighs, shifting on the bed.

Just then Mouse rolls into the room in a wheelchair and shoots Jay a small smile. Jay notices but doesn't smile back or acknowledge him, just goes back to staring at the wall.

"Hey man. Rhodes just told me you woke up," Mouse said, wheeling next to his bed. "Jay, buddy, come on, at least look at me."

Jay weakly turned his head. "How you feeling?"

"I'll be okay, got a concussion and a few broken ribs. I'm sorry, Jay. It's all my fault this happened. If I hadn't gotten distracted—" Mouse started, getting interrupted by Jay.

"Mouse, it wasn't your fault, okay. Don't even think that. I don't regret what happened, and I would have done it a thousand more times, you know that. So stop blaming yourself," Jay said. He went back to staring at the wall.

"Okay. Well, I wanted to thank you. You didn't have to do that for me," Mouse said, getting Jay's attention.

"Mouse, there was no other choice to make," Jay replied shortly.

"Well, thank you, man. I'm going to let you get some rest," Mouse said, slowly exiting the room.

"Jay? What did he mean?" I ask cautiously.

"Just forget about that," Jay says.

"Jay, come on," I say.

"Erin, let it go, please, I don't want to talk about it," he says, and I notice his heart rate speeding up, so I listen, for now.

"Okay," I say.

He falls asleep soon afterwards. I watch him sleep for a few minutes before I also drift off, not worrying about Jay for once.

CPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPD

**Jay's POV**

All I felt was pain. My legs, arms, back, chest, neck, head. The pain was everywhere. Gunfire. Suddenly I shoot up in bed, panicking when I don't recognize my surroundings. I feel a body moving next to me, and before I even realize it, I am on top of them, strangling whoever it is.

I feel arms tugging at me, trying to pull me off the person I'm strangling, but I just want the pain to stop.

Then I feel a prick in my neck, and in a second or two, I fall limp, blackness enveloping me again. I manage to mumble out a 'no' before conceding to the darkness.

CPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPD

**Hank's POV**

I had just gone to get coffees for me and Erin. Then, I get back and hear scuffling inside the room only to discover that Jay was on top of Erin, strangling her. I was so shocked I froze for a second. This had happened before, yes, it happened to him when Jay had gotten back after the first tour, second, third, so on, so Hank had expected Jay to get agitated and lash out eventually.

But he had been in the hospital for barely over a month now, and he had brief moments of wakefulness before he fell asleep again. When he was awake, he was lost in his memories, a far away look on his face, stuck in a flashback.

It took everything in me to not crack in front of Erin, Juliana, and the kids as I tried to coax Jay from his nightmares and flashbacks peacefully, with no harm happening, like the incident with Erin.

After I got over the initial shock of seeing Jay actually moving, despite all his injuries, I set the coffee down and start prying Jay's arms off Erin, yelling at him, telling him that whatever he is seeing isn't real, but he doesn't seem to hear me, and before I can stop him, Will injects a sedative into his neck, following with him falling limp seconds later.

"Will! I could have calmed him down!" I tell him, after we leave the room.

"Didn't look like it! Hank, I know you know how to deal with this, I do too, he's tried to choke both of us out during a nightmare before, but Erin doesn't. Okay, she shouldn't have to deal with this just yet," Will says to me and I grunt in response and head back into the room to check on Erin.

"Hey, Erin, you okay?" I ask her.

"Yeah, I'm good, Hank. What the hell was that?" She asks me in return.

I hesitate. "Hank?"

"Sometimes, during a bad nightmare or flashback, Jay can lash out, and he might try to strangle, or hit, or attack the closest person to him as a way of defense. It's just a part of his PTSD, Erin," I explain to her.

"I just don't know how to help him, Hank. I mean, he spends so much time sleeping, but every time a nightmare has him waking up practically screaming. And when he is awake, it's only for a few moments at a time, and all he does is stare at the wall. I just want to help him, but I don't know how," she tells me. I walk over to her and put a hand on her shoulder.

"Erin, he just got back a month ago. He was missing for 6 months. God knows what happened over there. He won't even talk to Mouse, and he was there. He's still stuck in his own head. He has to convince himself that he's really home and that this isn't some trick his mind is playing on him. Once he sorts through all the bad thoughts and starts to let people in again, he'll start to open up again. But you have to be patient. He just went through hell. Give him some time," I say, and she nods.

"Thanks, Hank. I'm gonna try and get some sleep," she says and I excuse myself, giving her some time alone.


	9. Chapter 9

**Erin's POV**

I slowly opened my eyes, wincing as the sun shined through the open window. I glanced over at the bed in hopes that something might have changed. I sigh. Nothing has.

Since Jay's PTSD incident three months ago where he nearly strangled me, he has been more distant than ever. Hank told me that he usually doesn't remember what happens during his episodes, but I'm guessing he remembers that one.

I have been cautious ever since, but not because I'm scared of him. Because I'm scared for him. I don't want something like that to happen again and make him retreat into the depths of his mind for good.

I have tried literally everything. I've climbed into the bed with him and hugged him as he cried silently, I've given him space, I've even tried pushing him away in the hopes that he might talk to Hank or Will, or anyone else. I've tried everything. But nothing has worked.

Lily and Grayson have both been asking what is wrong with their dad, but nobody has been able to tell them the truth, just half-truths that don't answer their questions.

I'm pretty sure even Dean is starting to sense that something is wrong. He's pretty smart for a four-year-old.

For the life of me, I can't remember what his voice sounds like. It's been months since I've heard him utter a sound, let alone a word.

Connor says that it makes it impossible to tell how his throat is healing, or even if it's healing, since the disuse is bad for it too.

The worst part is, he's refused to do physical therapy. Will brought him back home to his apartment two months ago, when Connor finally said there was nothing more they could do if he refused more treatment.

He can't walk either, because of his hip, and his ankle, and knee. Every time I see the bruises, I have to hold back tears because it makes me sick to think that another human being did that to him.

His nightmares and flashbacks have only gotten worse, and it usually results in his injuries reopening or his limbs hitting something, and we have to call Will so he can reset a bone again, or stitch a cut back up.

I snap myself out of my thoughts as I notice Jay thrashing softly in the bed, kicking his legs and mumbling words under his breath that I can't hear.

I quickly move over to him and climb into the bed, wrapping my arms around him and whispering comforting words and running a hand through his hair and rubbing his back until the struggles stop, and I feel a tear run down my cheek as he continues repeating the same phrase: 'No more, please, I can't take anymore, it hurts, please, stop.'

It breaks my heart. I gently wipe away the tears that keep falling. His eyes are clenched shut and he continues mumbling that phrase.

I just hold him until the tears slow, and his eyes open to slits, and he notices me there, hugging him. He doesn't pull away, though, like he usually does.

As he turns his head away, I take a risk, and remove my arms from around him, and climb over him so he can see me. He tries to avoid my gaze, but I gently take his chin and turn his head towards me. Luckily, he doesn't pull away and retreat again.

"Jay, you know I'm here for you, no matter what," I say. "I know I left before, but when you went missing, I realized something," I continue. He isn't looking at me, but I can tell he is listening. "I can't live without you. I don't know how I did it all those years, but I'm done running. For good. I'm not going anywhere, Jay, and I'll be here as long as it takes for you to trust me and open up, even if it's a tiny detail that doesn't mean anything, I'm here, and I'll listen, until you're ready. Because I love you."

I finish talking and he slowly looks up at me and sobs again. I wrap my arms around him again as he sobs, and this time, he hugs back.

"It's okay, just let it out, it's okay, you're alright," I whisper into his ear.

After a few minutes, he pulls away, wiping his eyes, which are red from crying.

"I don't know what to do," he sobs, and I furrow my eyebrows in confusion.

"What do you mean?" I ask, wincing at the raspiness of his voice that now rivals mine.

"I want to tell you, Erin. I really do. But…" he trails off.

"But what?"

"I can't."

"Why not?" I ask.

"Over there, on a battlefield, it's not like the streets of Chicago-" he says, and I cut him off.

"Woah, Jay, I know that. I'm not saying-" I start, and he cuts me off this time.

"Just let me finish," he says, and I shut up. "You step one inch in the wrong direction, you get blown up. I've seen it happen. The things I've had to see, and do, they make your skin crawl. And not just because it's bad, or violent, because it's sick. And the things those hajis do, to innocent people, women, and children, it's horrible, and wrong, in so many ways. I don't know how else to explain it to you."

At that, I look down at the sheets I'm curling around my finger. I can see the faraway look on his face, letting me know that he's not fully here, and I give him a moment to come back before speaking, "Jay, I can handle that stuff-"

"No, Erin, I'm sure you can. You're tough, and strong. I'm sure you could listen to my stories and support me through it, but then… Then you would have to live with those memories and those experiences that I would share with you and I can't ask you to do that. I can't put that shit on you," he finishes.

"Jay, I'm never going to judge you for what has happened. And I want you to know that you can tell me anything, and it doesn't have to be soon, or ever if you don't want to. But I'm here for you. That's what I'm trying to say," I tell him, and he nods.

I notice one of the cuts on his chest is bleeding again, and since Will is on shift, I decide to call Kelly, since I know he has this shift off. I hesitate for a minute, not wanting to fall back into his drama, but I do it, for Jay.

"Hello?" His voice comes through the phone.

"Kelly, hey it's Erin," I say.

"Erin? Holy shit. It's been a while," he says.

"Yeah, it has. I'm actually calling about Jay," I say, and there is silence for a couple minutes.

"Kelly?" I ask again.

"Yeah, sorry. I'm uh, just, well, is he okay?" Kelly asks.

"Yeah, I was just wondering if you could come over to his apartment real quick and help us out?" I ask, leaving out several important points.

"Wait, what? He's back? I thought he was MIA? And why are you in his apartment?" Kelly asks all at once.

"Um, you know, it's a long story. But can you just get here? He's bleeding, I need your help to stitch him up," I say quickly.

"Bleeding? Is it bad?" He asks frantically.

"No, no, nothing like that. He's fine. He just ripped a few stitches last night during a nightmare. Will's on shift and so I figured I'd call you. You were the only person I could think of right now," I say.

"Oh um alright, yeah I'm on my way," he says.

"Thanks Kelly," I say as he hangs up.

It does not take nearly as long as I thought it would for him to find Jay's apartment. When he does get here, I stare at him in shock for a moment before letting him in.

"How on earth did you find it so fast?" I ask.

He looks uncomfortable. "Me and Jay are pretty close, Erin. We've spent a lot of nights here, just drinking till we pass out and… doing some other things."

"Oh," I respond.

"Yeah. He wasn't in the best place when you left. I guess neither of us were. We kind of had that in common. We were able to talk to each other," he says.

I nod and don't respond, simply leading him back to Jay's room. Kelly hesitates at the sight of Jay, but moves forward anyway.

"Hey man. How you doing?" Kelly asks, moving over to Jay slowly.

Jay looks up at him but his eyes have a faraway look, not really focusing on Kelly. I step forward, going to intervene when Kelly holds a hand up, stopping me in my tracks.

"Jay, it's Kelly. Severide. From Chicago, where you live. You're home, man. Not there. You made it home," Kelly whispers.

He finally touches Jay, and there isn't a huge reaction like I thought, just a flinch and Jay's eyes clear, and he focuses on Kelly.

"Kelly?" He asks, confused.

"Yeah. Erin called me cause you ripped your stitches," he explains.

Jay nods, and Kelly gets to work, finishing fairly quickly.

He stands up and pats Jay on the shoulder before leaving the bedroom, me on his tail.

"Thanks, Kelly," I say.

"Anytime," he says, heading out the door.

I want to stop him, try and find out more about what happened when I was gone, but I know it's no use, so I let him go, closing the door behind him.

I head back to Jay's room and I find him asleep, his breathing evened out and his face peaceful.

I smile and leave the room, knowing he wouldn't be asleep for long.


End file.
